What's the difference between deprivation curiosity and compassionate curiosity?

How do you feel when you hear: Why?

My mantra that helps me remember stay in connected presence with my kids? Be curious.

When I show up with curiosity, I’m humble and open. Right away, I’m on equal footing with my kid, I’m not taking down to her. I use the same mantra with my husband. When I remember to be curious, I get more creative. So many possibilities open up. Life gets less rigid and predictable and becomes more exciting. I get along better with others, I’m happier and more productive.

Curiosity can also trigger feelings of vulnerability in me. My needs for safety and certainty can go unmet. And sometimes, when my anxiety comes up, my “curiosity” does something tricky. I hear myself asking “Why?” That word seems curious, right? So what’s wrong with with it?

The energy behind my why isn’t usually open, it’s more demanding: I need to know something. This kind of curiosity doesn’t usually land as compassionate. Instead, it feels contracting. It’s like an itch I need to scratch, and can be a kind of desperate, uncomfortable feeling, like when you can’t remember a name or when you saw in actor in another movie. You’re lacking some info and you want it!

How do you feel when someone asks you why you did something? Defensive? Like you need to explain yourself? Or connected?

What needs are met or unmet when you hear that question: why? Perhaps, you want to explain yourself and you’re happy for the opportunity. Maybe your needs for competence get met when you answer. Or maybe your need for accountability gets met. Or self-expression.

Scratching an itch can be satisfying, too.

I find it helpful to be aware of the difference between compassionate curiosity and deprivation curiosity. Just that awareness gets my needs met for peace and clarity.

Do notice different energies underlying your curiosity?

Subscribers will get my Feelings and Needs lists, a great resource to stay curious.